An Apology to Germany

To the People of Germany,

I would like to formally apologize for ours (the United States of America) overall lack of being informed on international cultures. While in America, I had not realized that the problem had gotten so bad, because, after all, international cultures are, well, international. We don't see the foreign cultures and therefore we do not see how little we understand them. 

I was naively satisfied with the situation until I visited Frankenmuth, Michigan ("Michigan's Little Bavaria"). This town is simply a slap in the face to your country, and for that, I would like to apologize. Apparently, our ignorance of foreign cultures extend to the cultures that we are trying to celebrate through imitation. If mimicry is the sincerest form of flattery, than bad miming must be considered a kick to the groin. 

So, I would like to apologize for the following transgressions:

1. I would like to apologize for our belief that Germany celebrates Christmas 365 days a year. Even that Germans celebrate Christmas. Yes, you gave the world the Christmas tree, and for forcing us to bring a tree (something that looks better outside the house) in side our homes and next to our blazing hearths, you are being punished. I am sorry that 2 Million people visit the World's Largest Christmas Store that simply promotes this mistaken belief (www.bronners.com).

1b. Considering the fact that the number of Christian Germans has been dropping rapidly over the past three decades, and that there are fewer Christian believers than non-believers younger than 40 in Germany, I apologize that Bronner's spells Christmas, "CHRISTmas" as though people had forgotten what that holiday was about or were starting to believe it is a Jewish holiday.  

2. I am sorry that we assume that Santa Clause was German (Saint Nick is actually from Istanbul). The good people at the Coca-Cola Company are to blame for this, really. If I were you, I would sue them for royalties or copyright infringement. 

3. I am sorry that our German restaurants, the place that started Frankenmuth as the Vaterland tourist trap that it has become, thinks that the classic German dish is Fried Chicken. (www.zehnders.com). While the 15 dish dinner looks good, I must say that in all my time in Germany, I never saw a single Kentucky Fried Chicken, let alone a real piece of fried chicken. As of print, Colonel Sanders has declined to comment on that last statement.  

4. I am sorry that we take one of your classic cautionary children's tale from the indisputable cultural heroes, the Brothers Grimm, as advertising. I'm sorry that this advertising scene features the Pied Piper in the act of stealing all of the children from the town. I am sorry that this very act of kidnapping and implied pedophilia was depicted as a happy occasion. I am sorry that this cautionary tale about the dangers of accepting rides from strangers was painted on a courtesy van, whose whole point is that you are taking a ride from a stranger. I am sorry that this courtesy van travels less than a quarter mile. 

5. I am sorry that we have decided to pump "German-style" traditional music at an outdoor shopping center that would make the most nationalistic German puke. I am sorry that this music was actually composed, recorded, and sung by Americans (as indicated by the fact that the lyrics were in both German and English). Then again, you resurrected David Hasselhoff's singing career, so let's just call it even.

6. I am also sorry that America's second oldest Microbrew (www.frankenmuthbrewery.com), which was created to remind people of the German style beer, is far weaker in quality and taste than the imported German beer found at the fried chicken place.

In short, I find it ironic that a place that has built up it's tourism based on celebrating its German heritage, has so completely failed in knowing what that heritage actually is. Nevertheless, we should be back this weekend.