Tons To Do in Toledo

The Votes

The votes are in, and overwhelmingly, you voted that the next post would be "No one has died at the Jensen Cottage...yet". Unfortunately, your votes were vetoed (but thanks for playing). The reason is simple, I may have unintentionally embarrassed some in the Jensen clan. Rest assured, the entry, though not going to be posted, would have been hilarious. As a consolation prize, here is an only moderately amusing rant on why Toledo sucks.

Toledo

"What's there to do in Toledo?" I have earnestly asked.

"Leave."

I heard this joke, independently, four different times before heading to the Glass City. If I had to answer, I would probably have said the same thing (it's my kind of joke). But it almost became a bit of a challenge, a call to action to find what made Toledo a gem worthy of a quick visit. With several attractions highly recommended by our AAA guide of Ohio, I sincerely wanted to post a blog praising the uniqueness and beauty of this ex-large small town in northwestern Ohio.

With that in mind, I have this to say about Toledo: Fuck it. Leave.

It's not that it's a bad town. It's not really. It's just...Toledo. Aside from the recommendations to get Toledo "over with", the one attraction that people mentioned was the zoo. Yes, I'm sure it's better than Detroit's zoo. But guess what... A LOT of zoos are better than Detroit's (though Detroit's was the first to use the "moat" system, bringing you closer to the animals.) And, at the end of the day, it's just a zoo. The AAA guide book recommends Toledo's metroparks, and, again, I'm sure they're lovely. But Detroit has metroparks too, and can any of you remember the last time you've been to one?

File that Under: Don't Care

I should note that I wished we went to the Art Museum. It's glass exhibit, impressionist exhibit, Van Gogh, and Rembrandt are supposed to be outstanding. It's latest addition won the most prestigious international architecture award in 2010. And, rumor has it, it's free. But it's closed at four (though has extended hours on Thursday I think). After work, all Katie and I wanted was (in order of priority) 1. a bed, 2. a beer, and 3. to get the fuck out of Toledo.

Microbrewless

I was hoping to write a story like the one for Flint (see May's entry), with this special microbrew that really sets the bar for all future...well, bars. But when we asked our GPS to find one, the closest it found was the Arbor Brewing Company* in Ann Arbor, Michigan. We had already been there. We have sampled their "Chips and Salsa Lager", and while we were impressed that they were able to make our lager taste like chips and salsa, we were also disgusted that they made our lager taste like chips and salsa.

After an adventure to an empty grass field where the microbrew was supposed to be, the GPS then told us to drive through a subdivision to get on an interstate. We are now beyond hating that thing. We wish it a painful death involving a two year old with spoon. Afterwards, we researched a bit on Google and found that Toledo only has one microbrew, downtown. We opted for pizza instead, just to have our three calls unanswered by the delivery place. 

History

Toledo has a history that pretty much reflects the city. There was a battle here where General"Mad Anthony" Wayne, for whom Fort Wayne is named, got his notoriety. It's called the Battle of the Falling Timbers, where U.S. forces killed and then kicked out loads of local Indians. Toledo has honored this battle by erecting a J.C. Penny's on the battle site. 

Then there was the War of 1812. Toledo got it's ass kicked so many times during that war that inhabitants actually fled, so the town didn't really get started until 1817. (Do give you some perspective of timeline here, Indiana University was founded in 1820). Then, of course, there was the Toledo War, a boundary dispute between Michigan and Ohio. Basically, Ohio wouldn't let Michigan become a state unless Ohio got Toledo. Michigan said ok, became a state and the Upper Peninsula in exchange. This is better known in Michigan has the "Best Land Deal in Modern History."

MASH

There is one thing Toledo has going for it - MASH. I love MASH. I love the novel, I love the movie, and I love the TV series, especially that final episode (the most watched in history). Hell, I was raised by that TV show. And for show die-hards, you'll remember that the section-8 seeking cross dresser, Maxwell Klinger, was from Toledo. He raved about two things: 1. his beloved Mudhens minor league baseball team and 2: Tony Packo's. In one episode, this real life hot dog joint sent sausage casings to Korea that were made into an artificial kidney. With life saving meat like that, one wonders if it tastes as good.

It does. The Hungarian sausage with chili-like meat sauce (more meat than chili) is good. Their fried pickles often rank in the nation's top 5 by travel and food critics. Admittedly, you still have to like fried pickles to enjoy these (while Katie preferred them with salsa, I liked the sweet bar-b-q sauce they came with). The best part, really, is the atmosphere. This is the only hot dog joint that has a gift shop that I know of. 

Burt Reynolds once visited in the 70's. With nothing else to leave as a memento of his visit, he signed a hotdog bun. With all of the celebrities and politicians visits since, the place was literally covered in autographed and framed hotdog buns. You'll find President Obama's above Steve Yzerman's near the front door. (Good-bye Steve. You've served our city well). There is also Steve Martin, Steve Tyler, and Steve Allen. Katie found Ted Kennedy's and Lee Iacocca's. Apparently Mr T. has been there at least twice, as had Bill Cosby. The most common one, obviously, was Jamie Farr's, the man who played Klinger in the MASH TV series (not a character in either the novel or movie). You can find his below Barbara Bush's and next to Radar O'Reilly. Farr has another (and many more) next to Capt. B. J. Hunnicut's Michael Farrell. 

And maybe that's the best metaphor for Toledo. It's like a decades old, crusty hot dog bun, where famous people come and left their mark...

And then leave. 

*Arbor Brewing Company

Footnote on ABC. Their beer is okay. We much preferred the Grizzly Peak Brewery down the street and wished that we tried the Bar-B-Q / Microbrew that was up the street. Ann Arbor has great restaurants and is home to great microbrews. What ABC has going for it is their ability to flavor beer. Their Chips and Salsa beer was impressive. They had another flavored beer (raspberry wheat maybe?) that was actually delicious. It wasn't too sweet but still had that touch of raspberry. So if you go, get a sample of their monthly flavored beer. Then go down the street for some real beer.