Life Lessons

Vegetarians aren't interested in visiting museums that are completely dedicated to SPAM

Katie-isms

Here are a number of Katie's thoughts on a variety of topics. All are word for word quotes from the past 24 hours:

On Fashion:
"These shoes are fine. They only hurt when I'm walking."

On Geography:
"Were you boating down the Evansville River?"

On Being a Vegetarian:
"How do I know when the vegetables are done cooking?"

On Maturity:
"I'm tired! I want a juice! Get me out of this car!"

On Health:
"My stomach hurts. I think I have spleen-icitis." (It's like appendicitis, but it's your spleen.)

On the Mall of America:
It's like the day after Thanksgiving without the sales. I can't shop like this.

Trip Data

On the Road: 68
Film Day: 48
Starting Point: Minneapolis, MN
Ending Point: Minneapolis, MN
Miles: 226
Calories burned from being on a bike for 10 miles: 331
Calories gained from a snack size M&M McFlury: 470

Trip Data

On the Road: 66-67
Film Day: 46-47
Starting Point: Minneapolis, MN
Ending Point: Minneapolis, MN
Miles: 177, 153
Number of Peanuts statues seen: 18
Oddest nature thing: Albino squirrel in downtown St. Paul
Where we ate: The diner from the Mighty Ducks and A Prairie Home Companion
Famous Writer's Statue: F. Scott Fitzgerald

Trip Data

On the Road: 64-65
Film Day: 45
Starting Point: Eau Claire
Ending Point: Minneapolis, MN
Miles: 280, 53
Attractions: Minneapolis Institute of Art, Mall of America
It's odd, because we just came from a comedy club and I don't have anything funny to say.
Most dangerous tabloid headline we just read: "Eat Cheese and have better sex tonight".

400: A play in one-act

You probably have never heard of the small town of Elkhorn, Wisconsin. After this story, you will probably forget all about it. Yet, if you ever joined band, either in middle school or high school, this town of Elkhorn has had a small impact on you. That's right, ElkHORN made your tuba. Or trombone. Or French Horn. Or whatever you pretended to play while the kid next you missed all of the notes.

That is, of course, no reason to visit Elkhorn, Wisconsin. Even if you are at the much more popular tourist trap, Lake Geneva (a mere eight miles to the south), you still have little reason to actually stop as you zoom by Elkhorn. But the trusty AAA guidebook does list one attraction, The Webster House Museum.

Joseph Webster was a composer back before the Civil War. He wrote such unforgettable hits as "In the Sweet By and By." I can't count the number of times I've caught myself humming "Lorena" while taking a shower. In addition to Civil War relics, the museum boasts one attraction that really go my imagination flowing.

The Webster House has four hundred birds. That's 800 cold, beady bird eyes starring back at you. Just imagine the conversation that brought in all of these birds into a small house.

"I know what will bring in more people! Birds! I saw a bunch of kids in my neighborhood poking a stick at a dead bird just the other day. They'll love it in the museum."

"How many birds should we get?"

"I think we should go big with this. We should get at least 350."

"We get a bulk rate of dead birds if we get 400."

"Oh yeah, that's great! Does that include the Carolina Chickadee?"

"Of course."

"Great."

"If we rip out the maintenance closet, we can have 500 dead birds."

"500!? Seriously, Dave? There is no reason to be grotesque."

"Yeah, David. 500 dead birds is just morbid."

"Apologies. Out of curouisity, does anyone know what 400 dead birds has to do with Joseph Webster or the Civil War?"

"What is it Dave? You don't think they had birds during the Civil War?"

"Well, yeah, but..."

"You're such an idiot Dave."

"Birds make music. Joseph Webster makes music. I don't see what more connection we need."

"It's just that..."

"Shut up Dave. You're such an idiot."

(This has been a one-act play by Michael E. Simms).

(p.s. we did not see the dead birds.)

Trip Data

On the Road: 63
Film Day: 44
Starting Point: Wausau, WI
Ending Point: Eau Claire
Miles: 324
Microbrews tried: 7
Amount of time Katie spent shopping at the Leinenkugel's gift shop: 52 minutes
Amount of money Katie spent at the Leinenkugel's gift shop: $0.00
First thing Katie did after leaving the Leinenkugel gift shop: bought a twelve pack of Leinenkugel. It was a good night.

Excellence Rewarded

We never thought we would have to ask a waiter where downtown was. Least of all did we expect that waiter to tell us we were downtown. And especially to have this conversation in a town with a NFL team. It is the home of the Packers and we didn't even know we were in downtown Green Bay.

Here is a bit of perspective. Green Bay is in northern Wisconsin and has a population of 102,000 (give or take). That is to say that the entire city of Green Bay can fit inside the Cowboy Stadium and still have room for a marching band. Las Vegas, NV doesn't have any major sports team, and it has a metro population of 1.8 million.

When we asked the waiter if he knew of a town of around the same size, he answered the region centered around Wausau, WI. Wausau literally means "far away land". The waiter was basically saying "Green Bay is the size of the town in a land far, far away."

And the waiter was wrong. Green Bay is smaller.

Why does such a small town have a NFL football team? Well, the fact that it's the oldest team using the same name helps. The fact that it's a non-profit, public traded company is probably the real reason. There hasn't been a single owner to say he wanted to move. But I think Green Bay's nickname may have something to do with it, for Green Bay is Titletown. After all, the NFL can't ask you to move when they named America's most famous trophy after your favorite coach.

Though Katie's Steelers do have the most Superbowl victories, but Green Bay actually has the most championships (12 in all). When the AFL and NFL merged, and football increased by adding 8 much larger markets, the NFL couldn't ask Green Bay to leave. They were national champions, and they had been for the past four years. It is the only team to have won three consecutive titles. They did this twice (once with founder/coach Lambeau and once with Lombardi.)



Not that Katie and I should know any of this. We got kicked out of Lambeau Field.

It's just nice to see excellence rewarded. I thought this was a good theme to announce that our excellence by our own boss. We were told that they have expanded our region to include Minnesota, North Dakota, and South Dakota. And, we just learned, because of our past and quality, we will also be working in Kentucky and Tennessee.

Excellence rewarded. It's a good thing.

Katie-ism

Katie: "Now, I have a ridiculous question. (pause as she tries to figure out how to word it)
What's a badger?"
(Mike laughing so loud the rest of the bar stairs at him)
Mike: "You know what? You have to ask someone from Wisconsin. I want you to ask him."
(Mike laughs silently to himself during a brief conversation).

Next day:

Katie: "I want you to know that it wasn't a sober question?"
Mike: "I don't understand."
Katie: "I wasn't sober enough not to ask that. Like, if I was sober, I wouldn't have asked a bunch of Wisconsin people what a badger is"
Mike: "Do you know what a badger is?"
Katie: "No!!!"

Lessons Learned

Just because you call "Punch Bug Green" first, doesn't mean you won't get hit.

You can cream a hard boiled egg. You still shouldn't, but it's nice to know that you can.

Trip Data

On the Road: 59-62
Film Day: 43
Starting Point: Madison
Ending Point: Wausau, WI
Via: Devil's Lake, Green Bay, Door County, Sturgeon Bay
Miles: 196, 325, 244, 98, 187
Microbrews tried: 39
Microbrews offered at one bar: 160
Microbrews tried during one night at that bar: 49
Storied Football Fields we were kicked out of: Lambeau Field
Number of miles Katie mountain biked: 0.9
Number of miles Katie then biked in under an hour: 10

Random Surprises

It started in Racine, Wisconsin. After Katie had identified about 29 beautiful houses in which to live, we had decided to get out of the car and walk through the charming town. It was there that we met the man in the kilt. We had found the town quaint and sweet and homey. But I think he was surprised by that. Racine, he told us, was built by people like his great-grandfather who came from England to work at the local steel mill. (Katie wants you to know it's mostly a Danish town). But unlike Gary or Michigan City, the steel mill was north of town, so when it started to shed workers and tighten its financial contributions to the city, the city was able to diversify into a resort area. It was the man in the kilt who told us where to get our Kringle, a large Danish pastry that takes 3 and a half days to make. (At the end of any of those three days, it's really just a Danish in Mike's opinion). The final surprise about Racine was the bartenders in Milwaukee who laughed at our praise for it. Apparently, Racine is "the armpit of Wisconsin". He cited the current 9.9% unemployment as proof. (We didn't mention Detroit's 20.5% or Troy, Michigan's 13.6%.)

The surprises continued when we went to a microbrew in Milwaukee. This is, after all, America's beer captial. We were expecting a good brew and a competent waiter. We got neither. So, Katie did the "I have fresh blisters while wearing high-heels" shuffled back down the block to the Safe-House. This spy themed restaurant was amazing. It's the kind of place that you enter through the backdoor, have to give a password to enter, enter through a secret door disguised by a library shelf, and filled with mementoes of the cold-war days. With their speciality drinks, a men's room that opened to a brick door, the world's largest mechanical puzzle, we had to close this bar down. That's when we got the added treat of hanging out with the staff, who were equally fantastic.



The surprises continued the following day. First, Mike found out that Wisconsin has worse drivers than Michigan. Second, we found that Wisconsin-ites really like their vanity plates (Jebus has been our favorite thus far). And third, we went to the East-End to America's 7th best movie theater. We watched Cyrus with six, five foot tall Buddha statues overlooking us. Just a pleasant surprise. In fact, we were more interested in the theater than we were in the movie.

Yet the biggest surprise may have been this. If you were planning to witness one of Joan of Arc's miracles, then you may want to cancel your cross Atlantic trip to Paris and book your tickets to Milwaukee instead. At the center of Marquette University is a small church, imported from Lyon, France. Inside, is a stone that Joan of Arc had kneeled down and prayed. After kissing the stone, the slab of rock became colder than the others around it. Today, that rock is in this small, French chapel in Wisconsin. The stone is still colder than the others around it, though, today, they use is as a shelf.

Lessons Learned

Never under-estimate Katie's hatred of trolls.

Trip Data

On the Road: 58
Film Day: 40
Starting Point: Madison
Ending Point: Madison, WI
Miles: 47
Microbrews tried: 2
Mike's bowling score: 262*
Number of Germans Mike insulted with his remaining knowledge of the language: 4
I want you guys to really consider how much you drive on any given day. We drove nearly fifty miles today, even though we didn't do any work. It would take Katie and I a little less than 4 days to hike that in the woods. But we drove fifty miles during the course of our day. We walked a few miles on Madison's eclectic State street and even took a nap at the hotel and still found time to drive that many miles. Do you know what's fifty miles from downtown Detroit? Port Huron, Michigan. Bloomington, IN is 50 miles from downtown Indy. 50 miles is third of Indiana's width. Crazy.


*Combined total after three games.

Trip Data

On the Road: 57
Film Day: 40
Starting Point: Madison
Ending Point: Madison, WI
Miles: 74
Microbrews tried: 6
Cost of beer-milkshake: $9 ea.
Number of mac n cheese Mike ordered: 2
Percent of vegetarian options Katie had at lunch and dinner: 35%
How much meat Mike had today: 0%

Lessons Learned

The "Stop Children Crossing" sign on the ice cream truck should really have a comma.

Trip Data

On the Road: 56
Film Day: 39
Starting Point: Waukesha, WI
Ending Point: Madison, WI
Miles: 275
Via: Lake Geneva
Number of hours since in Wisconsin it took before we saw a cow: 39
Number of Vatican approved miracles witnessed: 1

Oddest thing to get from a future mother-in-law: Picture of two kangaroos having sex with the caption "Doing it at the zoo."

Lessons Learned

Don't ask a jewish kid for directions to monuments of catholic saints.

Bad Bet

Back when Katie and I were on Michigan's East coast (the lake, not the state. It was the state's west coast), we took a sand dune buggy tour in Saugatauk. It was supposed to be like a roller coaster ride, with an all-terrain vehicle speeding down the two hundred feet dunes, complete with sharp twists and turns. It was that...kind of. But because the guides didn't want to admit that the trip was short, they made a lot of stops to tell bad jokes and semi interesting factoids. (The real sand dune rides are near Silver Lake). I was reminded of one of their stories recently.

It was the story of Singapore, Michigan. Singapore was founded in 1836 at the mouth of the Kalamazoo River. It had the potential to be the largest city on Lake Michigan's East coast (the state's west coast). It was in a beautiful region, filled with woods, beaches, a nice harbor, and a river that connected it with Battle Creek and other cities in the interior of the state. The city even had a history. It survived a forty day blizzard in 1842. That essentially means that it snowed strait for nearly half of winter. The city didn't starve because the provisions from the ship wrecked Milwaukee saved them.

But Singapore became a ghost town. In 1871, the great Chicago fire blazed, whipping out 4 square miles and hundreds of lives. It must have been particularly dry that year, because Holland, Peshtigo, and Manistee also suffered from fires that year. (Large scale fires were a lot more common in the past). These cities, particularly Chicago, needed to rebuild. And though they did learn lessons, they needed lumber to do it. Singapore, Michigan was surrounded by lumber and it was easy to ship to to where it was needed across the lake.

So Singapore, Michigan started cutting. Some sand started appearing on their cobble stoned streets, but that could be easily swept away before they started sawing away that morning. Then the sand stated to appearing on their doorsteps. Sure the shoveling was annoying, but so was shoveling snow in the winter, so what's the difference? It just meant waking up earlier before starting a day of chopping down trees. The the sand started to move inside. The sand started to rush inside. It was over carpet, area rugs, furniture faster than it could be shoveled out. The trees that froze the sand dunes in place for thousands of years were shipped to Chicago, and now the sand dunes awoke and were on the move.

The people of Singapore literally dug their own grave. Within four years, it was a ghost town. Their three story hotel's roof hasn't been seen for over 60 years. Saugatauk, meanwhile, became a great tourist city, complete with a microbrew that has a brew-on-premise.

The Federal Government finally did come around to try to remedy the situation...30 years later. They started planting a special grass in the dunes, the only kind that is able to grow in the dunes. They had to do it by hand, but the grueling work was worth it. The dunes have started to slow down (many were moving up to 50 ft per year, eating up the state). New environmental studies show that the land is returning to it's pre-1871 environs. That process should be completed in 1,200 years.

I meant to write this story along with another story about Michigan City, Indiana. But I have written too much already as it is, so let's just put this down as a to-be-continued.

Relationships are about compromise

This is a king size bed.
The red is Katie's area
The blue is Mike's.

Also note the pillow count.

Trip Data

On the Road: 55
Film Day: 38
Starting Point: Waukesha, WI
Ending Point: Waukesha, WI
Miles: 168
Number of cows seen: 0
Number of Budha's who watched a movie with us: 6
Ranking of the movie theater we went to: top ten best in the country
Number of off duty cops mike cut off: 1
Number of vanity plates seen: 359

Trip Data

On the Road: 54
Film Day: 37
Starting Point: Gurnee, IL
Ending Point: Waukesha, WI
Via: Racine
Miles: 194
Microbrews: 10
Number of days it took to cook our Kringle: 3.5
Pain level of katie walking in high heels for the first time in a month (1-10): 17
Number of places we aren't allowed to talk about: 1

Lesson's Learned

Thinking of adding a new series. These are quick little life lessons that Mike has inferred during his trails:

1. Wheat can and does grow in the wild.
2. A man in a kilt may give you free bacon with each pint you order
3. Telling a bartender from Milwaukee that their beer sucks will get you thrown out of the bar.
4. The "arm pit of Wisconsin" is nicer than Michigan's beauty mark. (Katie disagrees)

Officially Done

With Michigan, Indiana, and Illinois.

Katie-isms

"Hello Dead people! I hope you're having fun! (long pause) rotting."

When I'm dead, plant a soy bean bush on top of me.

Wasn't Hooters founded in Indiana? oh, wait, that was Hoosiers.

"Onions! Yum! I bet his bed smells delicious. And by bed, I mean the bed of his tractor and not the bed he sleeps in."

Trip Data

On the Road: 52-53
Film Day: 35 - 36
Starting Point: Forest Park, IL
Ending Point: Gurnee, IL
Via: Chicago, Gary, Indiana Dunes National Lake Shore
Miles: 143, 363
Number of parking spots available at Indiana Dunes: 1,124
Number of parking spots open for Mike to park in at Indiana Dunes: 0
Number of minutes we left the rain fly off the tent after the rain start: 47min.
Number of times Katie sang: "Gary, Indiana; Gary, Indiana from the Music Man": 17
Number of feet Mt. Baldy sand dune moves south each year: 20ft.

Blog Ideas

We're looking for blog ideas for anyone who has them.

Today, Sunday the 11th, we're heading to Indiana Dunes National Lakeshore. We're working in Gary and then heading to Milwaukee. Anyone with great Wisconsin trip ideas is also encouraged to provide suggestions. Just send a message to us via facebook or something.

Trip Data

On the Road: 50 - 51
Film Day: 34 - 35
Starting Point: Forest Park, IL
Ending Point: Forest Park, IL
Via: Chicago
Miles: 168, 66
Number of hours stuck on the Kennedy I-90: 4.3
Average speed of each car on the Kennedy: 29mph

Katie-ism

If I was a lawyer, I would have my office in a closed Taco Bell...That's a lie. I would have my offices in an open Taco Bell.

The odd thing about Harry Potter is that they don't every talk about the bathrooms.

Katie - ism

"I can't think of the word"
"You mean, 'example'"
"Yeah, sorry, I was having a Sarah Palin moment."

Trip Data

Okay, we have some days to cover.

On the Road: 42 - 49
Film Day: 30 - 33
Starting Point: Forest Park, IL
Ending Point: Forest Park, IL
Via: Detroit, Munsing, MI, Grand Isle, Bayfield, Canada. Also, some places in Chicago.
Miles: 620, 402, 12, 198, 221, 441, 302, 201
Number of times we almost died: 7
Awesome beach restaurant in St. Joseph: The Stray Dog
Number of minutes it took to take Mike to drive the same amount of miles he backpacked: 27 minutes.
How long it took for katie to get sunburned while swimming in lake Huron: 19 minutes
Number of stable flies (which are immune to bug spray) on mike's backpack: 2.3 lbs. worth
Mike's mantra while crossing the Mackinac Bridge: "ohgodidon'twanttodie, ohgodidon'twanttodi, ohshitidon'twanttodi" (it was at the midway point of the Big Mac that Mike was a polytheist, believing in God and, well, poo.)

Bit of good news: We learned that they have expanded our job to include Minnesota, North Dakota, and South Dakota. In addition to video taping for our gps work, they are asking for video evidence that people actually live in Fargo.

Why We Drink

The year I was born, there was zero microbrews in America. Zero. None, Nada. Drinkers had the choice between Bud, Miller, Coors, etc. and that was it. Why? Because microbrews were illegal. In a land of freedom, where was the choice?

Microbrews may have been illegal but home-brewing was not. If you wanted a Belgium Wheat beer (like Oberon), you brew it yourself. These homebrewers would later become America's microbrewers. In 1981 there were zero. Today, there are more than 1,500.

I was pondering this while helping bottle some homebrew that Dan Jensen's friend had brewed. Since the new batch wouldn't be ready for the holiday, Dan recommended getting a small keg. But his friend had a simple point, "when it comes to beer, I appreciate the variety."

And that's what drinking microbrews is about, quality and variety.

Often, there is the analogy to wine. Think about it. We all have three buck chuck at home. It's good. There are times when we can serve it to guests. But you wouldn't order it at a restaurant. You wouldn't find it at a restaurant. Why? Well, Chuck won't sell it to the restaurant. But the restaurant also wants to make sure it provides quality wine with its quality food. The same is true for microbrew. You can enjoy Bud at home. But when you're out, you want quality. You want something that brings out the dish. You want taste.

Let me give you a perfect example. Founder's Brewery in Grand Rapids won four medals at the Great American Brew Fest this year. Ratebeer.com ranks Founder's as the 4th best brewery in the world. And by "world", that's including Guam. Here's the thing, I generally don't like Founders. Their famous IPAs are too hoppy for me. But after talking to the waiter, he said that the Canadian Breakfast Stout would be perfect for me. And it was. This is a beer that has coffee and maple syrup flavors, aged in a oak barrel. It was simply perfect. No wonder beeradvocate.com rates it as among the top ten beers in the world (again, including Guam). So good, I went to the head brewer and shook his hand.

There are people who spend their vacation at Napa Valley or in Northern Michigan to do wine tours. This is partly why Katie and I picked microbrews as the theme of our GPS trip. We're microbrew people. (And Founder's is worth a day trip).

When I called Katie and asked her if she wanted to hang out, I recommended my neighborhood bar. She was exited, saying, "I love trying new places." It was this kind of obvious joy of exploration that attracted me to her. And so, we had a microbrew on our "first" date.

I'm writing this article now because after Michigan, Indiana and Illinois have been less good to us. Sure, there is Goose Island and Upland Brewery, but we simply haven't had the variety that we had in Michigan. And variety is what it's all about.

(For those who are curious why the South is lacking in microbrews...well, according to Katie's cousin, the cliche about the Southern moonshiner is actually grounded on some fact.)