400: A play in one-act

You probably have never heard of the small town of Elkhorn, Wisconsin. After this story, you will probably forget all about it. Yet, if you ever joined band, either in middle school or high school, this town of Elkhorn has had a small impact on you. That's right, ElkHORN made your tuba. Or trombone. Or French Horn. Or whatever you pretended to play while the kid next you missed all of the notes.

That is, of course, no reason to visit Elkhorn, Wisconsin. Even if you are at the much more popular tourist trap, Lake Geneva (a mere eight miles to the south), you still have little reason to actually stop as you zoom by Elkhorn. But the trusty AAA guidebook does list one attraction, The Webster House Museum.

Joseph Webster was a composer back before the Civil War. He wrote such unforgettable hits as "In the Sweet By and By." I can't count the number of times I've caught myself humming "Lorena" while taking a shower. In addition to Civil War relics, the museum boasts one attraction that really go my imagination flowing.

The Webster House has four hundred birds. That's 800 cold, beady bird eyes starring back at you. Just imagine the conversation that brought in all of these birds into a small house.

"I know what will bring in more people! Birds! I saw a bunch of kids in my neighborhood poking a stick at a dead bird just the other day. They'll love it in the museum."

"How many birds should we get?"

"I think we should go big with this. We should get at least 350."

"We get a bulk rate of dead birds if we get 400."

"Oh yeah, that's great! Does that include the Carolina Chickadee?"

"Of course."

"Great."

"If we rip out the maintenance closet, we can have 500 dead birds."

"500!? Seriously, Dave? There is no reason to be grotesque."

"Yeah, David. 500 dead birds is just morbid."

"Apologies. Out of curouisity, does anyone know what 400 dead birds has to do with Joseph Webster or the Civil War?"

"What is it Dave? You don't think they had birds during the Civil War?"

"Well, yeah, but..."

"You're such an idiot Dave."

"Birds make music. Joseph Webster makes music. I don't see what more connection we need."

"It's just that..."

"Shut up Dave. You're such an idiot."

(This has been a one-act play by Michael E. Simms).

(p.s. we did not see the dead birds.)